Thinking up titles is hard!
by Alan Smithee
Summary: JUST ADDED: Conclusion to the fic.
1. Default Chapter

"Why do we need titles anyway?" Part one.  
  
"Ah, yes, another morning...Whoa, there's a 5:30 in the morning? Damn, you learn something new every day....well, guess I'll head over to get my assignment..." Zell proceeded to groggily look in his closet and picked out two random things, threw them on, and started out. He briefly thought about coming his bed head away, but figured that people would just think it was normal anyways. He proceeded to run up to the elevator and head for Cid's office.  
  
"What...what...did you want us for so early in the morning?" Zell asked.  
"Zell? When I said 'early', I meant early like 10 or 11 a.m! Not...EARLY!" Cid shouted.  
"Cid? Is that Zell...Just have him wait outside and come back to bed..." a voice said.  
"Oh, hey, Matron..." Zell replied.  
"Hey, Zell. Couldja be quick..."  
"Well, just start and wait for the others....It'll be quick..." Cid replied.  
"Well, what do I do?"  
"You and the others' duty today is to...Set up the ballroom for the Valentine's Day Dance. DO IT."  
"Awww..."  
"Hey, I thought you'd like this duty. I mean, your clothes...."  
"What? They look like normal...right?" Zell asked. He looked down and didn't see anything different..." Zell ran to the ballroom to start on his work.  
  
"Rassafrassin...Stupid...setting up decorations...Stupid holiday anyways..." Zell replied. "Dammit...I'm coming down...Mountain Dew...NEED...MOUNTAIN...DEW...."He grasped his beverage and began to drink. "Ah...much better...Ooh...this song kicks ass....I'd better put it on replay for a bit, I mean, I will need all the help I can get..."  
  
10:00 a.m.   
  
"YES! DECORATION TIME! WOO HOO!" Selphie screamed as she ran into the ballroom. The others followed as Selphie started to scream..."WHAT IS THIS?"  
  
The others shared in her fright. For lo, they saw the decorations in the form of two large pyramids of Mountain Dew cans, with Zell in between shouting out the lyrics to '80s retro tunes.   
"ZELL! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" Squall shouted.  
"Here comes your man.......Here comes your man...."  
"Um, he's talking to you guys, right?" Squall asked.  
"Why?" Zell replied.  
"Chicken-Wuss...Look at your clothes..." Seifer replied. Zell finally looked down to find that he was wearing his kilt and a T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan "I (heart) BUTTSEX."  
"DAMMIT!" Zell shouted. "WHO'S CLOTHES WERE MIXED IN WITH MINE THIS TIME?" Everyone looked at Zell... "YOU'RE ALL MEAN!" Zell rushed out of the room and headed for the library. "Ah...safe in here...Wait a minute...Books?"  
"Oh, hi Zell! Nice outfit..."   
"I've got to run! See ya!" Zell took off. "DAMMITDAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT!" He had no place to run. He thought about his dorm and the cafeteria, but realized that his friends would look in those places exactly. He finally settled on a course of action. Setting himself up, he called for My Final Heaven, then proceeded to run as fast as he could, targeting his punching bag.  
"Himombyemom!"   
"Oh, I see you're wearing the outfit Aunt Steve gave you, eh?"  
  
Zell proceeded to hole up in his room. "Lousy Aunt Steve not coming through with a gift certificate like he usually does..."*knock* "Who's there now?" Suddenly, a girl Zell recognized from the library's staff came in. "I was wondering why you were going so fast..."  
"Leave me alone. I don't want to talk about it."  
"That's too...Squall-like for you. Go ahead and speak."  
"Well, it's just that...well, it seems like everyone in school has a date to this dance except me."  
"Oh, come on now, you have to be kidding. Not *everyone* has a date..."  
"Oh, yeah? Well, between Squall and Rinoa, Irvine and Selphie, Quistis and her cult members, Seifer and those three psychotic chicks who keep following him around everywhere...."  
"Yeah, but that's like...six students in Garden?"  
"NORG is boffing some little chicky. WHO DO I GET? WHAT ABOUT ZELL?"  
"Oh, I'm sure there's *someone* for you...someone who'll love you...Oh, here. This book I have...Love Myths of the Ancient World...?" the girl asked.  
"Hmmm...Let me see here...Hmmm...This myth sounds promising...Let's see. This one dude creates a statue, it comes to life and falls madly in love with him? Isn't that the plot of those 'Mannequin' movies? Eh, It works...If I can't FIND a girl...I'll MAKE a girl!"  
"Um, why not make something...easier?(like me...)"  
"You don't know this trouble, babe. You probably have guys lined up to be with you..." Zell replied. He quickly took some bricks lying by the railroad and took the amount he thought he'd need....*CRASH* "oh dear god we're locked into a watery grave!" "Whoops...my bad..."  
  
"What's with all the bricks, bitchboy? Making your own bathhouse in your dorm?" Seifer catcalled.  
"No, Seifer, I'm doing...some hardcore masturbating! Yeah, that's the ticket!" Zell replied.  
"Oh, sure. Masturbating...to guys, ya know?" Raijin added.  
"Forget it..." Zell carried the bricks back to his dorm. He proceeded to set them down and organize them into a block-like pile. "Okay, now to get something that'll work to bond these together...What in this school could I get to bond solid rock together without problem?"  
  
"You want...one drum...of our coleslaw...delivered to your room?"  
"No, I'll take it myself....I've got some things to do..."  
"Okay...suit yourself, honey....(Son, watch...his heart may explode... get the mop...)"  
"Ah, now to proceed to make the girl who will be mine..."  
  
"Hmmm. Do I make her average looking? Okay? Eh, she's my choice, I'll tailor her to my standard of beauty! I'll just find cute things with people...and put them together...to make one smoking babe! Ha! Take that, people!"  
"Ah, Zell! What's going on? I've brought you all of those teen magazines you wanted...WHAT IS THAT?"  
"Um, uh, it's my own private bathhouse! That's the ticket!" Zell replied.  
"Okay. Well, see ya!"  
"Perfect. Now by this, I should just slowly hit it until it looks good...This will work out, right? Please let it..."  
  
"You know, guys, I think we were a little hard on the Chicken-Wuss this time. I mean, we all know about his perverted Aunt Steve, right? So, let's go over to his dorm and apologize, okay?" Squall asked.  
"Well, okay...just this once..."Seifer replied. They proceeded to head outside Zell's door, where they overheard him making his creation...  
  
"doop de doo...I dream about a girl who's a mix of Destiny's Child, just a little touch of Madonna's wild style...."  
  
"Eew. He's singing O-Town? Yep, I think he actually was gay, all right..." Seifer replied.  
  
"Finally! My muse is complete. I'll call her...What does the book say? Oh, right, Galatea! Now I'll bring her to life, and she'll like me, and we'll live happily ever after..." Zell went inside...Well, I don't have a love goddess, so...QUETZALCOATL!" In an instant, Quetzalcoatl appeared and shocked the statue with lightning. "Dammit...it didn't work...." Suddenly, the statue patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it..." "Thanks....statue lady? You're alive?"   
"Well, duh, I mean, lightning brings people to life..."  
"Excellent! And you're made to love only me, right?"  
"Of course, Zell!"  
"AWESOME! Time to show my friends!"  
  
"One...two...three..."  
"*kazoo hum* We're Zell's friends...We're Zell's friends...We support the right for him to hold and kiss other men...with platonic hugs and kisses for you...So you're gay, we still love you!" Seifer started to sing.  
"YOU JERKS! I'm not gay! You want to know what I was doing...Take a look! Galatea..." Galatea came out of the room..."Hi...whoa, who are you?"  
"Um, my name's Seifer..."  
"What say we get a little frisky somewhere private??"  
"But...but...I created you!"  
"Yeah, but you're a little bitch! Seifer..." the girl took Seifer's arm and headed away.  
  
To be continued?  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Help an author out...  
  
If you want Zell to have a happy ending, put it in your review. If you want it to be true-to-life, put that in. REVIEW IT EITHER WAY.   



	2. Titling chapters isn't pretty...

Part Two: "Because I couldn't stretch it into more than two parts."  
  
"I can't fucking believe this shit. I mean, come on! The myth said I create a female, she loves me forever, everyone's happy! WHAT DOESN'T THAT LITTLE STONE BITCH UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT?"  
"Well, come on, man! All I could give you was the ability to bring her to life. I'm no love god, man!" Quetzalcoatl replied.  
"I know, I'm just pissed off! I mean, Seifer always gets all the women..."  
"Dude, don't you know what makes that happen? He's a bad-ass. Bad boys get the girls. Everyone knows that..." Quetzalcoatl replied.  
"Well, if that's what will get me someone...I guess I'll have to become a bad boy!" Zell shouted.  
  
("I can do this....") Zell headed over to Squall's room.  
("I have the brains...") "HEY, Commander!"   
"What do you want, Zell?"  
"I have the latest State of Garden for this week for you..."  
"Oh. Lay it on me, man."  
"Well, the garden has been reeling at the news that Rinoa gave some sweet sweet loving to Friend of Trepe Groupie #1 today, making it official that EVERY GUY in Garden knows the exact shape of that birthmark on her...OWWWW!"   
"DON'T SAY THAT STUFF, MAN."  
"okay....YES! I've got the scar..."  
("I have the technology...) "Now I'll be a bad-ass for sure....A-HEM! I need the WHOLE tattoo covered here, don't spare that foundation! Honestly, I get so mad I could just spit!"  
"Don't worry, Zell, I'll handle this perfectly...(What now? Who am I helping him woo this time?)"  
"Thanks! It looks great...."  
("I have the skill to get there undetected...") "HEY! WHO TOOK MY "WEDNESDAY EXACT OUTFIT?"  
(I am....) "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GAZE UPON "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN, Oh, wait, wrong one. My bad..."  
"CHICKEN WUSS, what are you doing? Get out of my clothes!"  
"No. I am a bad-ass now. You will not refer to me as Chicken-Wuss anymore."  
"Chicken-Wuss..." Squall, Seifer, and Irvine shouted.  
"YOU'RE ALL MEAN! ALL OF YOU!" Zell ran crying back to his room.  
  
(FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WERE DOWN WITH THE "HAPPY ENDING.")  
  
"YOU GUYS, that was mean!" the girls replied.  
"Come on, he was asking for it."  
"Yeah, but you've seen how distant he's been? I think he's hurt seeing us all with you guys, him without anyone..."   
"Yeah, but he's the Chicken Wuss! He doesn't get a woman! He's all...Chicken Wuss-y!"  
"Well, we're going to cheer him up. We'll see you later."  
  
"Lousy guys...It's all because I'm black, isn't it..." Zell moped. *knock*  
"Who is it?"  
"Zell..."  
"What do you girls want?"   
"We know you're down about not having anyone...We wanted to 'show our appreciation' for what you did to save the world...Pull out your hotdog..."  
  
  
  
  
(FOR THE "NORMAL ENDING"):  
  
"Dammit...It's just a dream....Don't you hate it when you have one of those dreams where everything your heart desires comes to pass, and then suddenly, you wake up, only you're depressed because you'd have rather lived inside that dream and just went with it? It totally sucks...I can't count all of the times I've had that happen to me..."  
  
  
  
  
  
(Since the "Happy Ending" won:)  
  
"Don't worry about it, Zell. Everything's all right, isn't it?" the library girl replied.  
"I guess so." Zell held her close as he drifted back to sleep. "I love you..."  
"I love you too...Hey, whatever happened to that stone chick you created?"  
  
"Welcome to BTV's JACKASS, I am Galatea DINCHTCREATION, and I've rigged myself to this Russian Suicide chair....but to make this more interesting, I think I'll add some dynamite on my LAP to the party..." 


End file.
